It can be a challenge to help older friends & loved ones spotlight the integration in their lives rather than the disintegration. Yet that's what they - and we - are called to do! But it can be a challenge.
Until reading David Richo'sbook, I'd never heard the term "negative excitement." (Didn't take a lot of psych classes in college.) Negative excitement - when we fear & desire the same thing at the same time - is something I've experienced over & over with older friends.
Negative excitement can keep any of us pinned down, stuck for years in life-sapping - even snuffing - places. It can be mistaken for purpose. It feeds our “ongoing drama," yet in reality serves up a double whammy, apparently energizing as it quietly enervates.
It can be tempting for older people to hold on tight. Negative? Positive? For many elderly men & women, it's tempting to just welcome negative excitement
because it lets them feel something.
Unfortunately, there can be a down side to releasing negative excitement from their lives. It's not usual for people who succeed to be swept with depression & a sense of abandonment. Too often, they find that when negative excitement goes, so does a sense of purpose.
Why give up negative excitement when it feels as comforting as a cozy quilt in its familiarity (typically rooted in long-time emotional baggage) & fuels a hungered-for sense of drama in our lives? It might hold us back, but it can feel SO good!
Go into any senior community or center & just listen to the people around you. So much is rooted in the past - especially memories - or offers a litany of complaints & criticisms. Sad to say, I have quite a few older friends who are open about their dominant trait of grousing & even back biting – “What else is there to do?”
That's a challenge - boredom is a prime breeding ground for negative excitement. And negative excitement might look bright & shiny, but it's ALL about fear, darkness, no-end-in-sight despair.
How can we help older friends & loved ones trade in negative excitement for a brighter outlook & experience?
I'm not a psychologist or counselor, but it seems to me that a key first step is to acknowledge that there are challenges in their lives. Too many elders feel dismissed by youngers telling them how they have it so good. Let them know you realize & respect what they're facing. Then, help them move past it, to fear not.
It's tough for a lot of friends & families to hear this, but a key way to help lift anyone out of the lure of negative energy is to keep boredom away from their door.
And that is NOT easy. But boredom is the #1 breeding ground of negative excitement.
In my experience, older people who feel their families & friends appreciate them, who take time to be with & enjoy them, are better able to cope with tough times, even boredom, & are less likely to fall back on alluring negative excitement for a phony sense of purpose.
Above all, do NOT model negative excitement! If you want others to step away from fear-spawning negative excitement, take care to not be critical of others, not look on the dark side, bitch & moan about world affairs or national events or local happenings, or pick apart other people. No matter what the age, the best motivator is always a good role model who shows, rather than just tells.
Perhaps the best way to loosen the power & hold of negative excitement is with love, the opposite of fear. Where negative excitement excludes & condemns, loves includes & supports, comforts rather than isolates, integrates rather than unravels.
People who feel truly loved always have an all-important purpose in life, a purpose that can help reveal negative excitement for the destructive sham it is. They can love in return.
No comments:
Post a Comment