Fear has a use, anger has a use - even guilt has a use. Although I would use the term regret in lieu of guilt, or at least appropriate guilt.
How many times have you ever heard guilt used as a positive? Okay, am willing to see David Richo's point that appropriate guild is our natural, healthy response to going against what we know to be right, act contrary to our integrity. It is supposed to be experienced, acted upon, and released. NOT held onto for all time!
Fascinated that David describes guilt as a belief or a judgment, not a feeling. "Appropriate guilt is a judgment that is self-confronting & leads to resolution. Neurotic guilt is a judgment that is self-defeating & leads to unproductive pain." Resolution, reconciliation, restitution & accountability are associated with the first; punishment - our own or another's - & blame with the second.
While none of us are immune to neurotic guilt, we can be on the alert, to know the difference between it & appropriate guilt. Guilt that hangs around, makes us feel badly - especially about ourselves, seems endless is neurotic. On the other hand, appropriate guilt is temporary, vanishing after we admit what we did, stop doing it, make appropriate amends, then affirm in words & action that we won't do it again.
It helped my mother to realize - almost 70 years later - how deeply she felt she'd let her father down by not saving his life. She was ninety years old, but still part of her was experiencing his death through the perspective of a teenager. If she hadn't been swept so unexpected with waves of guilt over his death, she wouldn't have realized how long she'd held onto that bottomless grief & irrational sense of responsibility. She was able, finally, to go through the steps & release the guilt, although never the sadness.
An NCIS episode from Season 11 touched on the sadness that can come from guilt & a beautiful way it was resolved. I'd recap it here, but would hate to ruin a excellent story well-told & acted.
In preparation for seeing The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, I popped a double bowl of popcorn & settled down with John to watch our video of the first. It also features a story of life-long, misplaced guilt that's tenderly resolved.
Both stories dealt with neurotic guilt, ultimately released. How wonderful it would be if we all had such a wonderful outcome. I think about my mother, who carried the guilt of her father's death with her to almost the very end of her own life, a guilt she didn't consciously realize was an acid in her heart.
Neurotic guilt loves drama & nourishes it. Our best defense against it to remember that there is use in feeling accountable, but none in placing or taking blame. Blaming self or others can feel good, very drahhhmatic, but leads nowhere.
Mantra time - admit, amend, affirm; admit, amend, affirm; admit, amend, affirm. And feel the release!
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